3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
