Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
