I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
