I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
