I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he was CRYING into my vagina
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
