So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
