yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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