I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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