im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
