I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
