I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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