So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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