We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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