Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
