Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
