hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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