Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
