he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize