Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
