how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
