Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
