homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
