I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Randomize
