you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
