Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
