That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize