lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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