Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
