Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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