I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
