I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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