he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I need a burrito and a hug.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
