Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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