my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
