Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do herpes really smell.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
