well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
