i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
