Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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