so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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