1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
