Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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