Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
