im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
