Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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