A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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