she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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