yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
