If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize