My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
