this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You're earring is so big in my mouth
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
