she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
