that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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