if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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