Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
