oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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