No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
