I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
