Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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