My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He literally asked permission to hit on me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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