why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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