Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize