Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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