Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
