i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
