So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
