There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
