We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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